Flagstaff, AZ. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. For those who have yet to brave Northern Arizona, sit back, relax and let your friendly-neighborhood NAU student guide you through all Flagstaff has to offer.
As a four-year Northern Arizona University student, I like to think I know a thing or two about the city of Flagstaff. I’ve lived through four Tequila Sunrises, two Cross Country National Championships and am currently on University President number two, so you could say I’m a seasoned veteran at this point. Another thing I am is an excellent tour guide, and I take great pleasure in helping first-time visitors check things off their Flagstaff to-do lists. So forget the visitor center, this is the only guide you’ll need for your venture into the “Great White North.”
Snowbowl
If you’re a skier and haven’t torn up — or slowly pizza-pied your way down — the slopes of the Arizona Snowbowl, you’re not much of a skier at all. That’s not to say the Snowbowl is one of the premiere skiing destinations in the country, it isn’t. Hell, it appears they even have better skiing in California, but it is a ski lodge in Arizona though, and that’s pretty dang cool.
Sedona
Number two on the list of things to do in Flagstaff is… visit Sedona instead (this is a theme we’ll come back to). The scenery in Sedona is truly spectacular and the town is fun to explore, plus it’s usually a fair few degrees warmer down in the rocks. I might be going out on a limb in assuming all Flagstaff first-timers also haven’t been to Sedona, but honestly, maybe just go to Sedona instead anyway. It’s pretty, and they have snakes.
Collins (for the ASU crowd)
For the half of you coming from Arizona State and are looking for a tiny, miniscule, watered-down slice of home, Collins Irish Pub and Grill is the spot for you. This little number has everything: a jam-packed, can’t-move-two-inches dance floor, sweat, drinks and various other liquids being poured on you at any given moment, an ear-splitting loop of “HollaBack Girl” and seven dollar screwdrivers. Seriously though, this is the best bar we have, please be nice. If you still want to go out but want to get as far away from the ASU scene as possible, I recommend the Gopher Hole.
Freeze your ass off
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. If you’re unwise enough to visit Flagstaff in the winter — save the skiers — you can always stand outside and shiver. It’s become somewhat of a university pastime I’d imagine. Or you can slip on the solid ice that tends to cover most of the sidewalks, that’s a classic too. If you’re lucky, you might even be able to push a Target cart up a snowbank and leave it hanging in a tree come Spring, that’s my favorite.
Get stopped by the train at least once
On your first visit, you’ll no doubt grow accustomed to the numerous trains that screech their way through downtown at all hours of the day and night. Even if you don’t happen to see one, you’ll almost certainly hear it rattling down the tracks for what feels like forever. If you’re unlucky enough to get stuck behind one in traffic — which you will if you want to access half the town — you might as well kick the seat back and take a load off. It’s much better than screaming obscenities into your steering wheel, trust me.
Stop and smell the dog food
If you venture far enough east in Flagstaff, you might notice the strange odor of what smells like dog food. Don’t worry, you’re not having a stroke, you’ve just gotten within whiffing distance of our famous Nestle Purina PetCare dog food plant, yummy. Residents have been complaining about the persistent odor of dog chow being “made with real chicken” for years, but the plant brings in an estimated $54 million per year for the local economy, so I doubt its lifespan will be measured in dog years. If you see something that looks like an Uzbekistanian nuclear reactor with smoke billowing from its chimney, maybe don’t go to the mall for a while — honestly, why would you though? Then again, you’ll smell it before you see it.
(Get your kicks on) Route 66
One of the city’s biggest tourist attractions — we even got a name-drop in the song — the Main Street of America runs right through the heart of downtown. It’s the most breathtakingly-beautiful asphalt highway I’ve ever laid eyes on, and that’s high praise. After you’re done gazing upon a wonder of modern man, head over to one of the nearby shops and pick up a Route 66 mug or Christmas tree ornament, you deserve it. You can even take a drive on the historic highway if you’re so inclined, you might even get lucky and end up in Radiator Springs.
Be glad you don’t go to NAU
After your action-packed visit to Flagstaff, you’ll likely leave with a new appreciation for wherever you came from. It’s common to take pity on your friends who actually live here, but you shouldn’t. We chose this, and we take more than enough pity on ourselves and each other already. In fact, the biggest party in town is the pity party that we throw for ourselves every single day, we love it. It’s best to use your time in town to reflect on how lucky you are to not go to NAU, and if for some reason you find yourself considering a transfer here, we have a great team of mental health professionals on campus that would be more than happy to shrink your head.
In all seriousness, there are a lot of fun things to do in Flagstaff, but this isn’t that kind of list. This was obviously written in jest, but like the poet Jermaine Cole put it, “I’m just playin’, but all good jokes contain true shit.”
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